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  • me

    I love him but I just don’t trust him.

    June 9th, 2012  |  Published in How Love Is

    Ever uttered those paradoxical words ‘Oh I love him but I just don’t trust him’

    I have. It was after I lived through being cheated on and then still choosing to stay. Every single time his phone went off in the evening it would start my suspicious mind ticking overtime. Every-time he was late I would feel that sick sense of dread that started in my stomach and moved it’s way around. I felt imprisoned by my own fear and this fear caused me to retaliate, saying and doing hurtful things along with living in a victim mentality and trying to control and manipulate every situation to get the outcome I most desired.

    The words I should have uttered however were that I really didn’t love myself and therefore were really unable to trust myself .

    But HE cheated on you, you say.

    Correct. But here’s the truth. The truth is that I had power in the situation I didn’t know I possessed…

    If I loved myself I would have separated from him when he cheated and I would have worked on myself and given him the space to work on himself. This would have benefited both of us as individuals and would have given us as a couple the best chance to fixing our relationship if it was ever meant to be. Instead I stayed out of fear so things got worse. Fear of the future. Fear of being alone. Fear that he would find someone else. Fear that I would never find anyone else. Fear of change. Fear of the reality of yet another rejection. Fear of uncertainty. Fear of the unknown.

    Truth. Perfect love casts out all fear.

    If I loved myself I would have not been scared to be alone. If I loved myself and therefore trusted love, I would have trusted that no matter what happened I would be Ok and able to handle the situation. This means that I would no longer need to control or manipulate it because I ‘had’ to have it go one way. I would instead have let life be. I would have felt the pain, the anguish, the heartbreak in the moment for sure- there is no escaping that but I would have trusted a far deeper source of love within that ultimately says ‘You will be Ok no matter what for love will make a way for you’ so could therefore would be free to do the best thing in that situation which I daresay would have been to leave earlier than I did. Before the tirade of angry words that happened daily. Before the emotional roller-coster that kept more than just me hostage…

    So when I said I love him but that I just don’t trust him I really meant I don’t trust that love will make a way and that this situation can and will teach me so much about myself if I let it. The best proof of love is trust. It is safe to trust love. True love. Unselfish love. Love that transcends a romantic relationship.

    Do you live loved enough to trust that no matter what life and love brings you will ultimately be Ok?

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